Hello people..

My name is ashley and this is the boringist day everrr...and the horriblist times of my life.. My great grandmother [some people arent as close or know there great grandmother and im sorry but i was real close to her] just passed away. I spent almost two weeks in mexico waiting for the funeral but that didnt happen because of some issues with the papper work and by going to mexico for those days i missed a shit load of school..and they called my mom while we were in mexico saying if i missed two more days that i would flunk the 8th grade which i thought was a load of crap but my mom didnt want me to make -as she called it- THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE by throwing away my grades and haveing to repeat the 8th grade so my mother forced me and my sisters to go back to school and then she went back yesterday to Mexico and left us here with my step father or as i call him steploser its not really that i dont like him its just that i think hes a loser..but its better than having to live with my bastard of a father anyways before she left it was like the death of my great grandmother finally hit me i was crying actually sobbing with no tears i couldnt take a deep breath i could only take short ones and it frightend me because i thought no rather i felt that my lungs wernt getting enough oxygen it scared the living hell out of me that was until my hands went numb i tried to move them but they wouldnt obey me i just looked at them sobbing and panicking and taking as much oxygen from the room as possible I really thought i was having a heart attack that was until my arm didnt turn purple but i was still scared and i didnt know what to do i was crying at this point and i didnt get enough oxygen i thought i was going faint but in my head i just thought OH GOD JUST PLEASE TAKE ME NOW!! but of course you never get what you want and i survived after loosing the feeling in my legg i walked around but fell a couple of times i was panicking i said the hail mary prayer once and i could almost breath again but i continued like that for several minutes it calmed down after i took a shower i thought it would i always feel calm after i take one of those. This is my first near death experience and i can tell you all i wanted to do was die but after that i thought if i would have died i would have made my family even more depressed than they already were i myself am depresssed but missing my great grandmothers funeral is even more depressing knowing that if it would have just been when we were there i would have gotten the horrible picture of how she died out of my head and the picture of her resting peacefully in..They told me in detail how she died they actually thought she new she was going to die i thonk that also even if it sounds upsurd but she was in her kitchen which is about the size of a smart car , she was laying perfectly straight on the floor with A gaint glass if water in the stove - the glass of water was for the evil spirits to drink and then leave her alone- and pictures of my mom and my sisters with my great grandmother from about two halloweens ago and a picture of my grandma and the Memories from my uncle Rays funeral and My Welita Amparo's funeral (my great great grandmother) and a Candel that was suppose to protect us lit. She was laying straight on the floor like she was sleeping and her arm was purple a sign of a heart attack and the blood from her nose on the floor they told us she had been laying there for about two days...this horrible image is forever what ill think about when i think of her or dear god rest her soul RIP AMA. but then there are the dreams that my family has and melieve me all of my family has some kind of special GIFT as we like to call it but they are really just burdens my aunt dora had a dream were my Great grandmother told her she had some unfinished business to take care of then there was my cousin luis that said she didnt want to leave sanantonio because of my aunt Pearla's ,my great grandmothers youngest daughter , daughter Syrah who is about 1 and was so attached to my great grandma....

Im so sorry i just dumped all of that on yall or rather the probably 2 people that actually read this..its just that i really just wanted a place were i can vent most of my feelings its just like the elephent sitting on me became more like a penguin i cant really tell this to anyone afraid that they might think im crazy-most people do because i were black most of the time theres my bangs covering one eye and i put entirly to much eyeliner on oh and i tend to cutt myself which would classify me as emo but i dont give much into stereo types but then again i am a walking one so hey what the hell- and also because of my incredible lack of confidence...so in more ways than one this is like my shrink..ahh if only i had one there would be no need for this so called blogg..so with tears in my eyes at this moment and with my depression i say good night to all of the two people who have read this..

with this heavy heart and the much less heavy penguin sitting on my shouders BYE

T-T ashley....